Step 8 in the alcoholic anonymous program is:
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
As is quickly pointed out in aa.org , when we read about working the 8th step one has already in doing step 4 made a list of the people which have been adversely affected by one’s past behavior. Obviously this is not an exhaustive list. As all of us continue to work a spiritual program of growth the memory of others people we have hurt or wronged will be triggered. We must also accept that at times even in our “advanced stage of spiritual growth” (LOL) we will have moments when we intentionally or unintentionally hurt or wrong someone. The hoped for primary difference can be that we will now recognize when we have hurt or wronged someone and promptly make amends. At least that is what the person who knows he/she is on a spiritual path aspires to do.
As is pointed out by numerous people, such as John MacDougall, D.Min, director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden, “An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.”
Turning again to aa.org, pages 77 and 78, one finds the following guidance/explanation on/of step 8”
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
STEPS Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.
This is a very large order. It is a task which we may perform with increasing skill, but never really finish. Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure. Every A.A. has found that he can make little headway in this new adventure of living until he first backtracks and really makes an accurate and unsparing survey of the human wreckage he has left in his wake. To a degree, he has already done this when taking moral inventory, but now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways. This reopening of emotional wounds, some old, some perhaps forgotten, and some still painfully festering, will at first look like a purposeless and pointless piece of surgery. But if a willing start is made, the great advantage of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away.”
As has been previously pointed out the person we have most hurt or wronged is ourselves. The purpose of running away and running the risk of becoming addicted to a substances, sex, money, things, situations, or places is to avoid the discomfort or dis ease of being with ourselves. The basic belief that it is not enough to be us - that we somehow have to be more than ourselves if we want love and respect -is very painful. We humans do all we can to avoid ourselves. This results in a separation from self. In order to heal we must rejoin the parts of ourselves. We must “come home” to ourselves with love. It is not enough to say that we forgive ourselves for being so self-destructive. Jesus did not say to Judas, “I forgive you.” Instead, he holds out his arms, embraces him, kisses him and welcomes him home. He knows that he needs to show Judas that they he is loved as a human. Thus we must make amends to ourselves by embracing ourselves and then taking good care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and nutritionally. It will not work if we say to self, “Sorry mate, you need to be punished.” We must show our entire being that we can and will forgive and care for it.
Once we have begun the process of making amends with ourselves we will find we are connected with our higher power/God of our understanding, which, in turn allows for the possibly of reconnection with others. I say possibility because even if we make amends, other people may not be easily convinced that we are truly sorry for our past behavior and that we are going to do our best to treat them with love and respect. Restoration of trust may not come easily or quickly. I will talk more about this when I discuss step 9. Step 8 is about our wiliness to make amends – to be willing to do whatever we need to do to demonstrate that we want to restore what we have taken from others. We cannot restore lost time or lost possibilities. We may be able to repay money or help repair something we have broken. The important point is that we are honestly willing to admit the extent to which our past behavior has affected others and to do the tough work of repairing the damage to the extent that it is possible.
Of course it is easy to say that we are willing when we are sitting in the safely of our home or sitting with safe, loving people. It is easy to say that we are now willing to do the next right thing without any concern for whether or not the new behavior is appreciated. The real test comes when I say I am sorry or I try to repay what I have taken and it is not accepted. Again, I will talk more about this in Step 9, but before I get to that step I best make sure that I am not saying I am willing to engage in new behavior because I think that, as was the case with the prodigal son, a great feast will be prepared – that I will be showered with love and admiration because I have finally acted like a spiritual adult.
No. Willingness is a huge step of deciding that I am ready to do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because I will receive an external reward. If we listen carefully to we so-called adults we may have perfected the list of reasons why we cannot or do not do the next right thing. We say, “I tried to be nice. I tried to make amends but the other person was still a spiritually challenged person (we may use more colorful language.) I tried to make amends but the blank person is so greedy they want interest of the “loan” or the money I had stolen. I tried to do the right thing but they have succumbed to the belief that unending punishment is the only answer. I tried to do the right thing, but …” Doing the next right thing without any expectations is not something we humans find easy and, perhaps not often possible. Are we, however, even WILLING to entertain the possibility of letting go of expectation and doing something because it is the right thing to do? If I am not willing to even consider that possibility then I am not ready for step 9 which is: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Written September 13, 2015
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